AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
They’re on their honeymoon
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.