[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.