wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
A collection of me turning into random objects.