I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.