oh my god
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Chicago sounds lovely.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
December birthdays be like…
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m Sold!
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!