I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
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so much to do
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”