Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am