I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Otters see a butterfly.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My daily affirmation
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.