On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
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I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Owl Sanctuary
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy