Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Sell your car
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”