@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.