*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.