[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?