do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day