Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ