AM I BEING GASLIT????
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Oceanography is all about current events
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.