My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
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If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Traveler’s camo
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking