Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
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ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
181.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings