FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
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