Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
You Might Also Like
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.