Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
You Might Also Like
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.