Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.