I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…