For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
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Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.