me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Iβm doing zoom therapy at my momβs house while sheβs in the other room so I guess itβs dadβs fault today
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My daughterβs Starbucks addiction has become so severe that sheβs routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Iβm fine with you not liking my tweets, as Iβm adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Sing like no oneβs listening
Dance like no oneβs watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no oneβs going to call the police
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeahβ¦39
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, itβs on.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Passed a gym sign that said βHave those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?β and I feel personally attacked.
*reads recipe and sees βraisinsβ
Well, thatβs not going to happen.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” π
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if sheβd had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said βno mummy, it was darkβ
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.