Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I put the mess in domestic.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows