The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.