I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
You Might Also Like
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly