my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
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My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
there has never been a better use of this meme
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.