My first child will be named New Folder.
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This fish is cracking me up
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
the noise i just made
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse