My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Running from your problems is cardio .