Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.