ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.