Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably