The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink