I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
inside you are two wolves
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom