REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I’m aging like a fine banana
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Feels like there should be a middle ground