Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you