hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I put the hot in psychotic.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.