Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…