Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.