PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I came this close!!!!
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[classified ads]
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