SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
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Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?