Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
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Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.