Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
They’re really bad with fonts.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My whole life was a lie.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text