If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
😍😂🥰😂😍
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
every college guy’s fridge
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated