Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Buying a well is money well spent.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.