What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
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three things we don’t talk about
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.