I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Hamburger Hinderer.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Me buying fruit and veg
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.