Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”